Last night, I was talking on the phone with my dear friend Devi. I haven’t known Devi for that long. In fact, the first time I met her was at one of her New Moon Wild Women Ceremonies about a month and a half ago.
It was Tuesday, August 15th. I had just dropped my son off at the airport. This time was different though. He wasn’t coming back home. He had decided to live with his dad in Colorado. I drove away from the airport emotionless – or maybe just numb. In my heart, I knew I was on my way to something that I needed.
I try to attend as many local spiritual events as I can these days. Some I have resonated with and, well…others – not so much. This one was different though, it had called to me. I had tried to make a retreat Devi had co-hosted a month or so before but was having some thyroid issues plus mono. I was excited to make this one.
Typically, I don’t do many ‘all female’ events. I could surmise as to why, but I don’t really know why. As soon as I pulled up to where the ceremony was being held, I was excited. I walked down a short wooded path, which I LOVED because I love the wilderness, I saw a woman that I immediately recognized. It was Devi.
She looked just like her pictures yet more radiant. As soon as I approached and she recognized me from my pictures, she stood up and I met her for the best hug ever. I immediately felt so much love from her and for her. Maybe it was because she matched my hug with the same, if not more, intensity. I love hugs.
The ceremony was beautiful. The evening was warm but comfortable. There was one stand-out moment for me that I immediately felt was transformational. I have these transformational moments sometimes during my home meditation and yoga practices but they seem to be more like gradual realizations. This particular meditation practice was more like a spiritual epiphany.
It was a guided meditation (which I always loved.) In this meditation, I can’t remember all of the details, we were guided to meet someone. I wasn’t sure who or what I would meet because I was not only emotionally spent but entered into this ceremony with no expectations. I only wanted guidance that would align me closer to my dharma, my highest self, my spiritual path.
Like many others, I have always struggled to connect with my inner child. Not that I haven’t but seldomly try. I always know where she is. She has barricaded herself in this dark closet under a stairwell in the house I lived in with my mom and stepdad. She’s always there.
This is who came to me. My 9-year-old self showed up for me. She was standing beside me in this vast field of beautiful flowers and tall grass. If you haven’t meditated before, you know (or might not know) I wasn’t the captain of this ship. My higher consciousness/spirit guides/guardian angel were at the helm. Therefore, all that was happening in the meditation just ‘was.’
What happened next was truly magnificent. As a child, I never played with dolls. I was a total ‘dirt in my fingernails & toenails, lake water matted hair, scratched and bruised up from hours of playing outside’ kind of girl. I was a highly sensitive child. I saw, heard, and interacted with ghosts/spirits. My imagination was superior. Nature has always been my sanctuary. I was also the only girl of five brothers. I was and kind of am still today a loner.
Tiny back story – I suffered emotional and sexual trauma as a child, as well as rape in my early 20’s. Post-trauma, I weaponized my sexuality and disassociated from my feminine qualities. I associated being a female with being weak, a victim. I was always pretty so I merely held on to that as a weapon in my arsenal. Let’s just say – I now apologize to any man I bulldozed and terrorized in my 20’s.
I had a wall built around me so high that I didn’t even know, nor care, who I hurt, or what was reality. I could feel no pain and I would dare anyone to TRY to hurt me.
In the last few years, I have dived deep into my spiritual path and have made great strides. The one thing I have always struggled with was accepting that femininity was synonymous with strength.
Alongside my 9-year-old self, we held hands and basked in the sun, peered over a field of wildflowers, and soaked in the beauty of the moment. If that is all that happened, I would have left the ceremony completely changed but what happened next was deeply transformational.
In the distance, there was a forest. I saw something slowly emerge from the treeline. It was engulfed in sunlight but I could see almost a white and glittery glow emanating from this large creature. As it got closer and walked into the field of wildflowers, I could see it. It was the most beautiful white and radiant Unicorn. Even in this state of higher consciousness, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. In an instant, she was just a few feet away from me. I could now see how opulent, shiny, and white her fur was. Her mane was a long shimmering white and emitted this glittery glow. I could see every detail. Her muscles were large and defined as she so gracefully walked in figure eights just within our reach.
This part is a little hard to articulate because I can only articulate this moment as a ‘download.’ It’s like knowing the entire story in a moment. There are no words, not comprehending, no start or end. It was just a ‘knowing.’ Then, there was my 9-year-old self. She was walking alongside this magnificent creature, almost like they’d known each other for lifetimes. She didn’t look happy, or excited, or surprised, or really anything. All at once, I just knew. This Unicorn and my 9-year-old self showed me strength, grace, beauty, majesty, and feminity. I use these adjectives the best I can to try to express this ‘download’ but really there are no words in any language that could sum up this moment.
What I felt goes beyond any words that could be uttered to me to express that I embodied all of these characteristics and I believe this was the ONLY way I could have actually believed it.
Ironically, at the end of the ceremony – Devi had gifted us each a ‘key’ to place on our alters when we got home. How is this ironic? For me, it symbolized my 9-year-old self ‘unlocking’ herself from this dark room underneath the staircase.
So much gratitude and love to Devi. I love you and am so happy to have you in my life.
Here is a link to the Unicorn image I borrowed. So beautiful.